Daar word op die oomblik in die kerk meer gepraat oor self-ontplooiing as oor self-opoffering.-Anon.......As ‘n kerk haar woorde begin devalueer, dan word die kerk ‘n ramp vir die volk. - K Schilder

1/01/2017

Humor



A person without a sense of humor
is like a wagon without springs -
jolted by every pebble in the road.
-Henry Ward Beecher



41 comments:

Gideon said...

SKOOL AFWESIGHEIDSBRIEFES

* Verskoon asseblief Lisa se afwesigheid. Sy was baie siek en die
dokter het gesê sy moet dit afslaap, en toe het ek haar laat uitsit.

* Geagte Skool, Dawie was afwesigheid gewees op Maart 29, 30,
32, 32 en ook 33.

* Joylene was nie by die skool nie, want hulle het haar
verstaantande geslaag.

* Verskoon asseblief vir Pierre, dis sy pa se skuld.

* Santie was nie by die skool nie, want ek is 'n enkelouer en was in die
bed met Giep.

* Maryann was awesig van die 11e tot die 16e. Sy het 'n keel, 'n
maag en 'n kop. Haar sussie ook. Daar moet iets aan die gang
wees, want hulle pa was ook gisteraand warm.

* My dogter was gister afwesig, want sy was moeg. Sy was op 'n
KJV kamp en het 'n rowwe naweek gehad.

* Sally wil liewers vandag na 'n begrafnis toe gaan.

* Jennifer was gister nie by die skool nie, want ons het gedink
Maandag is Sondag.

* Vir wie ook al hierdie moet lees - Janco sal nie more skool
toekom nie, hy en sy pa is op jag.

* Jan-Jan het nie sy huiswerk gedoen nie, nou dwing hy my om 'n
verskoning uit te dink. U is sy klashoof, dink u liewers een uit. Ek het
vyf kinders en 'n man en is op gedink.

Henrietta said...

Gideon skryf :

* Verskoon asseblief Lisa se afwesigheid. Sy was baie siek en die dokter het gesê sy moet dit afslaap, en toe het ek haar laat uitsit.

Henrietta antwoord: Ag nee Gideon, is dit "ons" Lisa? ;)))))

Liza said...

Die nuwe predikant besoek sy gemeentelede. By een huis hoor hy dat die mense tuis is maar hulle maak nie die deur oop nie. Hy haal toe 'n kaartjie uit en skryf daarop "Openb. 3:20" en skuif dit onder die deur in.
Die volgende Sondag kry hy die kaartjie in die kollektebord met 'n boodskap onderaan gevoeg: "Genesis 3:10"
Hy trek sy Bybel nader om die gedeelte op te soek en toe hy dit kry, bars hy hardop uit van die lag.
Openb. 3:20 lees: "Kyk ek staan by die deur en ek klop . . ."
Gen. 3:10 lees: " . . .Ek het U hoor wandel in die tuin en ek het bang geword, want ek is kaal.”

Liza said...

Beste Sareltjie...

Ek skryf die briefie maar stadig omdat ek weet jy kan nie vinnig lees nie.

Ons bly nie meer op dieselfde plek as toe jy weg is nie. Jou pa het in die koerant gelees dat die meeste ongelukke binne 20 kilometer van die huis af gebeur, toe besluit ons om te trek. Ek kan ongelukkig nie vir jou die adres gee nie want die vorige familie het die nommers saam gevat, seker sodat hulle nie hulle adres hoef te verander nie.

Hierdie plekkie is regtig oulik. Hier is selfs 'n wasmasjien, ek is nog net nie heeltemal seker hoe hy werk nie. Laas week het ek 'n bondel klere ingesit en die ketting getrek. Ons het nog nie weer die klere opgespoor nie.

Die weer hierso is ook glad nie sleg nie. Dit het net twee keer gereën laas week; die eerste keer vir drie dae en die tweede keer vir vier dae.

Omtrent daai jas wat jy gevra het ons vir jou moet stuur; oom Frikkie het gesê dit sal te swaar wees in die pos, toe sny ons maar die knope af, hulle is in die linker boonste sak van die jas.

Pietie het gister sy sleutels in sy kar toegesluit. Ons het rêrig bekommerd geraak want dit het hom twee ure gevat om my en jou pa uit te kry.

Jou suster het vanoggend 'n baba gehad, maar ek het nog nie uitgevind wat dit is nie, so ek weet nie of jy 'n oom of 'n tannie is nie. Die baba lyk net soos jou boetie.

Oom Wessels het laas week in 'n vat brandewyn geval. 'n Paar manne het hom probeer uithaal maar hy het hulle afbaklei en verdrink. Ons het hom laat veras. Hy het vir drie dae gebrand.

Daar is nie meer nuus nie. Niks anders as die normale het gebeur nie.

Liefdetjies,
Jou gunsteling ma xxx

Ns. Ek wou nog vir jou R50 insit maar ek het al klaar die koevert toegeplak

Liza said...

The Average South African:

A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 km a year.

Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 km to the litre.

Kind of makes you proud to be South African.

Liza said...

Die oom en dogter staan langs die graf van die tannie wat van nature maar erg befoeterd was...
'n Vreeslike weer steek op, dit blits en donder aller vreesliks.
Seg die oom vir die dogter: “Lyk my mammie het daar aangekom.”

Liza said...

LEEGLê OP PLETTM

Nuwe en voornemende aftreders in ‘n vakansiedorp het groot, belangrike besluite te neem oor betrokkenheid. “Ek het mos my plig gedoen oor só baie jare. Ek verdien ‘n rus.” “Ek is nou klaar met komitees en vergaderings en hulp verleen. Nou is dit aandag aan myself.” Boonop is Leeglê hier op Plett seker aanvaarbaar want die kerk het ‘n amptelike “Leeglê-klub”. (misleidend!) ‘n Besluit is egter nie so maklik nie, want MAG jy? KAN jy? Boonop vermaan Paulus die manne van Tessalonika oor leeglê. “Ons verneem dat daar mense by julle is wat leeglê.” Met hierdie woorde toon hy sy ongedurigheid met hulle en spreek hier die leeglê-saak kwaai aan. Dit laat mens dink, né.
So: KAN jy leeglê? WIL jy? Want sien:

*Om te wil leeg-lê, moet jy kán laag-lê.
* Jy moet ‘n taak kán vèrlê ? eerder as daarop aán
te lê.
* Jy moet jou daarop kan tòelê, om iets neèr te lê.
* In plaas van ‘n saak bylê, dit te laat links lê.
* Jy moet, simbolies, stil wil lepel-lê, eerder as om voòr te lê
* Ja, eerder weg ....lê as smullend weglê.
* Laat jou liewer in ‘n “consol” inlê en “mature” netjies deur bloot ‘n stil-lê.
* Wil hulle jou ‘n taak oplê, — skerm weg met “ek’s glad nie daarin onderlê.”
* En as hulle dan die lat inlê, doen voetwerk en uitoorlê. Jy kan altyd jou slaplê met slimpraatjies
weerlê.
En as jy oòk sòms oor ‘n saak jou eiertjie wil lê,
* bly stil: of môre hoor jy “’n vergadering is belê.”
* en vergaderings lei tot wakker-lê
* met take wat so steel-steel jou tyd vaslê.
Laaglê, verlê, neerlê, slap-lê, stil-lê
* ‘n geleentheid om meer in boeke, hoeke en balle te belê,
* dis mos nou ‘n lekker-lê! En met genoeg tyd om by die meisies aan te lê.
Maar: Moet dan net nie “stress” as andere jou leeglê in die openbaar gaan blootlê.
Leef dan onbevange op Afrika-trant,
Rustig, met jou doen so lê-lê,
In hierdie, onse mooie land
Nkosi Sikelêlê.
-Wynand Harmse
Die Bitou Kruik

Gideon said...

Henrietta antwoord: Ag nee Gideon, is dit "ons" Lisa? ;)))))

Haai nooit! Ons kan dit nooit aan ONSe LiZZZZA doen nie!

Gideon said...

Die dominee het 'n beroep aanvaar. By sy afskeidgeselligheid sê die leier-ouderling: "Dominee was maar maer en skraal toe hy hier gekom het, en kyk net hoe mooi rond het hy nou geword. Wys jou net hoe goed die gemeente na ds. gekyk het".

Met sý beurt reageer dominee toe: "Ja broer, dit wys jou net wat ek alles hier moes opgevreet het".
(Natuurlik gesê met die wete dat almal weet hoe goed die verhoudinge gebly het).

En Liza, wees tog versigtig met uitdrukkings soos: "A recent study conducted by Wits University found...".:-))))

Liza said...

Hehehehehe dis soos Greg Eastman tereg sê: Torture numbers, and they'll confess to anything.

Liza said...

PSALM 2009 - 2012
FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT

OBAMA IS A SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE BREAD LINE,
I SHALL NOT GO HUNGRY.
OBAMA HAS ANOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE.
AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER
IN A RENTED HOME.

BUT I AM GLAD I AM AN AMERICAN,
I AM GLAD THAT I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WAS A DOG
AND OBAMA WAS A TREE.

Liza said...

Only in South Africa...

* You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.

* You can count the national soccer team's scores with no fingers.

* To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.

* Hijacking cars is a profession.

* You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light.

* The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car.

* More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.

* People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift and Given.

* "Just Now" can mean anything from a minute to a month.

* You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis traveling in the opposite direction.

* Traveling at 120 km/h you're the slowest car on the highway.

* You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.

* A bullet train is being introduced but we can't fix potholes.

* The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.

* You paint your car's registration number on the roof.

* Only half of your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination.

* You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.

* You dial a toll - free number and nobody answers.

* You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one.

* Prisoners go on strike.

Eish

Henrietta said...

Engelse Woord- grappies (sal nie noodwendig in ander tale werk nie!):

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
*****************************************
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
***********************************************
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do?"
"Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down.
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.
"No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.

Liza said...

EPITAPH (In a cemetery in England)

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Liza said...

A CAT GOES TO HEAVEN

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,'you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours,all you have to do is ask.' The cat says,'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later,6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said,'All our lives we've had to run. Cats,dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later,God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says,'Oh,I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'

Liza said...

HOE HET MA JOU GELEER?

* Ma het my geleer hoe om te bid:
"Jy moet bid dat daardie kol op die mat uit is as ek vanaand by die huis kom"
* Sy het my geleer van "time travel":
"Ek sal jou tot in volgende week in klap!"
* Sy het my geleer pa's is slimmer en ryker as ma's:
"Gaan vra jou pa!"
* Sy het my geleer oor fotosintese:
"Lyk dit vir jou of geld op my rug groei?"
* Sy het my geleer om altyd nederig en klein te wees:
"Mannetjie !!!"
* Sy het my van die weer geleer:
"Dit lyk of 'n dekselse orkaan jou kamer getref het"
* Sy het my geleer van fauna en flora:
"Moenie vir my vertel pêrredrolle is vye nie!"
* Sy het my geleer om myself te ontdek:
"Hou op om jou soos jou pa te gedra!"
* Sy het my die wetenskap van osmose geleer:
"Hou jou mond en eet jou kos!"
* Sy het my geleer van uithouvermoë:
"Jy sal by daardie tafel sit totdat jy jou spinasie opgeëet het!"
* Sy het my geleer van sintuie:
"Kinners word gesien en nie gehoor nie!"
* Sy het my geleer van humor:
"Hou aan lag, dan gee ek jou iets om oor te huil ook!"
* Sy het my van jaloesie geleer:
"Daar is duisende arm kinnertjies wat ouers soos joune begeer!"
* Sy het geleer dat daar 'n plek en 'n tyd vir alles is:
"As julle mekaar wil vermoor, gaan doen dit buite! Ek't nounet hier skoongemaak!"
* Sy het my wiskunde geleer:
"Sit jy alweer en tanne tel!"
* Sy het my logika geleer:
"Want ek sê so, dis hoekom!"
* Sy het my geleer dat wonderwerke nog kan gebeur:
"Ek sal jou klap dat jy jou antie vir 'n eendvoël aansien as jy my weer terug antwoord!"

Dankie Ma! x

Liza said...

Church Humor
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay,"said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.
------------------------
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
------------------------
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
--------------------------
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
-------------------------
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk...

Liza said...

THE GENESIS DIET


God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored candies to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained more pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Satan."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs

Liza said...

If Only My Dogs Could Read
(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.)

Dear Dogs,
1. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
2.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
3. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
4. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
5. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine attendance is not mandatory.
5. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this
enough!
-----------------------------

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Got that?!

Liza said...

New Keeper of the Pearly Gates

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."
Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replies "What word?" she asks "Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!
"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"
Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."
"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."
"What word?" he asks.
"Czechoslovakia”

Liza said...

Pasop vir die Boere!

Barack Obama was sitting in his office wondering which country to
invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Howzit, Barack!" a voice in broken English said. "This is Koos
Vannermerwe here from the Doringboom Bar in Welkom , South Africa . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, boet!"
"Well, Koos," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jan, my next-door neighbour Lang Hannes, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight of us!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Blikkiesfontein!" said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again.
"Barack, my china, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" Barack asked.
"Well, we have four Hilux double-cabs, two kombis, an old Case
bulldozer, and Vet Gert's John Deere tractor".
Barack sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5
million since we last spoke."
"Liewe erdvark!" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you..."
Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day.
"Barack, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four okes from the Virginia Hengelklub have joined
us as well!"
Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Koos, I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Slaat my dood!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Koos called again the next day. "Jis, jis, jis, Barack! I am sorry to tell you that we've had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over some klippies and
coke, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war!"

-Gideon

Henrietta said...

Die effek van die resessie: NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE FROM JULY 1, 2009


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Henrietta said...

moet alweer hierlangs oppie blog kom...

Henrietta said...

THE TOP 12 INDICATORS THE ECONOMY IS BAD

12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM and

Chrysler in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM,

to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

5. The highest paid job is now jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And the #1 indicator of all:

1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Liza said...

*A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

*I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

*Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.

*A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.

*Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”

*Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.

*Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

*How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

*I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.

*I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

*I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me

Henrietta said...

Die manne stort almal saam na 'n harde rugby wedstryd. 'n Hele paar biere en so aan is al in die kele afgegooi en die atmosfeer is heel gesellig .

'n Selfoon lui. Piet stap uit en antwoord. Die foon is op daai modus waar almal in die vertrek kan saamluister. Vroulike stem begin die gesprek: "Liefie ek het die grootste bargain op 'n sitkamerstel gesien - afgemerk van R20 000 na 18 000 - kan ek dit koop?" "Goeie besigheidssin - maak so skat". Vroulief gaan verder: "En liefie, jy sal nie glo nie: Ek het deur Skuldbult gery en daar die mooiste woonstel vir R500 000 gesien - hoe lyk dit, sal ons gaan daarvoor?" Piet: "Jy is altyd so oulik met die aankope - go for it!" Vroutjie: "O ja ek het 'n ou swart nommerjie by die boetiek gekry vir R5 000 - dit sal jou asem wegslaan!"Piet: "Ek kan nie wag nie, skat!" Gesprek word van weerskante beëindig.

Vra Piet : "Weet enige van julle wie se foon hierdie is?"

Liza said...

Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital Register

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night..
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentlly alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Liza said...

Good night around the world

HOLLAND: Goeden nagt*

AUSTRALIA: Night Mate*

USA : Goodnite*

SOUTH AFRICA : Are the doors locked and the windows closed?
Is the Alarm on?
Did you pull in the car and activate the alarm?
Are the Rotweilers at their posts?
Do you have the stun Gun and pepper spray next
to the bed.
Sleep tight, don't worry, Eskom will switch off the
lights.

Liza said...

Daai super entrepreneurskap van ons kontinent se mense

Hier is nou ‘n klassieke voorbeeld van innoverende denke wat verleenthede in geleenthede omskep:

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"

"Eh yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"

The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."

“Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."

"Sorry Sipho, I had already spent that money.."

"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow."

So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning. A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:

"You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead.."

"Yoh! And the people they didn't complain?"

"Eish! Only the guy who won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was heppy!"

Ps: Sipho is now in parliament.. ..
:)))))

Henrietta said...

N.a.v. Liza se prentjie van die "tolerance", die dogtertjie en die sticky tape:

Chinese have good remedy for lively little girl: Put head three times under water, take out head two times.

Liza said...

Hehehehehe...Is jy doodseker dit sal werk?!

Liza said...

Cosmetic Surgery:
Come in and have your faith lifted.
----------------
Refunds:
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will gladly take you back.
-----------------
Seating Arrangements:
Where will you be seated in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
-----------------
Stand:
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.
-----------------
Which Way?:
Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope
------------------
Unconditional Love:
Yes, God loves us all, but He favors "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
------------------
Financiers:
Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible?
ANS: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
-------------------

Yf said...

'n Egpaartjie wat op troue staan verongeluk albei na die geleentheid. By die hemel aangekom wonder hulle of mens ook in die hemel kan trou. Hulle vra vir Petrus. Hulle sal so 'n bietjie moet wag, hy sal moet gaan uitvind. Hy bly laaank weg - 'n hele drie maande. Intussen begin hulle oor die wysheid van hulle versoek wonder. Sê nou maar dit werk nie uit nie, kan hulle skei. Hulle besluit om hom te vra sodra hy terug is. Uiteindelik is hy terug. Hy is uigehonger, hy is onversorgd, hy is voetseer. Hulle vra hom toe. Maar hy is kwaad hoor, hy slaan hulle oor die kop met die clipboard, hy verskree hulle, hy breek sy clipboard en gooi sy pen weg. Hulle vra hom wat hmm dan nou so ontstel het, hulle het dan net 'n onskuldige vraag gevra. "DIT HET MY 3 MAANDE GEVAT OM 'N PREDIKANT TE KRY, HOE LANK DINK JULLE GAAN DIT MY VAT OM 'N PROKUREUR OP TE SPOOR!"

Die muur tussen die hemel en die hel is besig om te verbrokkel agv die hutte. Die hitte begin die hemelinwoners bietjie pla. Die hemel laat weet die hel die muur moet reggemaak word maar in alle regverdigheid moet die hel die helfte van die koste dra. Die hel laat weet terug, hulle hte regsadvies ingewin, hulle het nie 'n saak met die muur nie, hulle hoef geen koste te dra nie, as die hemel die muur wil herstel moet hulle al die koste self dra. Dis 'n lang ruk stil en toe laat weet die hemel, hulle het geen keuse nie, hulle sal maar al die koste dra want hulle het niemand daar by hulle by wie hulle regsadvies kan inwin nie.

Liza said...

Hehehe - die predikante sal seker groot en vurige gemeentes hê...

Liza said...

Graad 1 kersopvoering: "Daarna het hulle hulle reissakke oopgemaak en vir Hom geskenke uitgehaal: goud, wierook en mirre." (Mat 2:11)

"Ons is die drie wyse manne", kondig die klein 5 jarige seuntjie as skaapwagtertjie in die kersuitvoering plegtig aan, "en ons bring goud......" daar volg 'n stilte, en die gemeente hou asems op. "Wie rook in die middel?" vra hy kwaai, terwyl hy vinger wys na die skaapwagters.

Liza said...

Bekeer julle die Kaapse styl

Van iewers af dreun 'n prediker se waarskuwende stem oor die omstanders se koppe: "Djulle moet vi djulle bekeer! Djulle moet djulle se verkeerdighede laat staan! En as djulle nie wil luister'ie, sal djulle hel toe gaan! En die hel, sê ek vir djulle, is 'n vrieslike plek.

Die Woord sê: "Daar sal 'n geween wies en 'n gekners van djulle se tanne!"
Iemand lag en die prediker kyk stip in sy rigting.
"En djy, met die haasbek daa annerkant - die manne wat'ie tanne het'ie, vir hulle sal tanne gesupplaai word! Maar kners sal djulle kners!"

Liza said...

'n Tannie van 95 in die aftree-oord ontvang besoek van 'n medelidmaat.
Op die besoeker se vraag verduidelik sy dat sy so sleg slaap, want sy bekommer haar so baie.
"Waaroor bekommer Tannie dan so baie? Tannie lyk dan so gesond?"
"Wel, al my goeie vriende en Bybelstudiegroeplede is al jare gelede dood en hemel toe, en ek is seker hulle wonder al lankal waarheen ek dan gegaan het."

----------------------------------

Klein Bobby het die naweek by sy ouma gaan kuier. Dit het oornag gesneeu en Ouma besluit om die seuntjie die Saterdagoggend na die park te neem.
Alles was pragtig en spierwit. Sy ouma merk toe op: "Dit lyk presies soos 'n skildery! Weet jy dat God hierdie prent spesiaal vir jou geskilder het?"
Bobby se: "Ja. Hy het, en Hy het dit met sy linkerhand gedoen." Ouma kon nie die kloutjie by die oor kry nie, en vra toe: "Hoekom sê jy dat
God dit met sy linkerhand gedoen het?"
"Wel," verduidelik Bobby, "Ons het laasweek by die Sondagskool geleer dat Jesus op God se regterhand sit."

Gideon said...

Blondie lê op die strand en haar ma bel haar op haar selfoon.
"My aarde, ma! Hoe het ma geweet waar om my te kry"?

Liza said...

Forrest Gump goes to Heaven
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about youI must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, give me your answers"
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.
"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....
but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song,
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Liza said...

Bybelvasvrae met ‘n tikkie humor:

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Q: How tall were the Kings?
A: 30cm, they were rulers
Q: Who died of alcohol?
A: Abel. Cain killed Abel.

Henrietta said...

Oor die foto hierby met die woorde "children are spanked because no one will spank grandma": daar word gesê ons lewe in die tyd van "gehoorsame ouers" ... tragies maar baie waar!